onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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