I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
