Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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