everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
