some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
