If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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