I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
