Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
