Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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