My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
