one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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