I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
