I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
