I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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