I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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