i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
