Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
