You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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