woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
