just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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