What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
