census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
