I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I puked a lego.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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