I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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