does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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