My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
