saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
