a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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