peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
