There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize