well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
