Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
