new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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