Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
