I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
