I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
