1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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