Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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