WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize