Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
