Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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