I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
