The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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