she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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