trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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