Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
