You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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