he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Randomize
