My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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