Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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