My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
