Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
