I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
