Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
