Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
