and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
vagina is talking i cant
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
