my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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