Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
