So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
