so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
How external is "for external use only"?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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