hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
