Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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